I think we can all say that at some point in our lives we have become attached to someone or something.
What starts out as a casual desire or appreciation can slowly turn into the shackles of attachment. The fear that one day it might not be yours creeps into the recesses of your mind, and gradually you become a slave to the need to possess, to hold tight and tonever let go.
Attachment seems to link closely with an idea of ownership — a protective, ego bound possession. We are afraid that we will lose whatever it is we keep. Fear takes over as we try desperately to grapple at that which we think we have a right to own; be it a belief or a person.
Buddhism promotes the idea of detachment as a path to happiness. We let go of that which we want to cling on to and, in doing so, something wonderful happens; we realize that we never owned it in the first place and nothing is ever really under our control.
We give permission to stay or go. And with this new arrangement comes trust and an acceptance that ‘whatever may be, may be’. We surrender to the mystery of life; we set ourselves free.
Nothing is permanent, nothing is given or fixed. We can’t ever know that anything will stay in our lives, not even if we make them promise, or if we promise ourselves; promises can be broken, trust can be damaged. People change, life goes on.
Of course, to live in a state of apathetic detachment seems soul-less and empty, and it can be argued that the things we love and give us joy are the sweet icing on the cake of life; so is it possible to cherish that which we love, yet remain open to its finiteness in our lives?
The real key to happiness, and appreciating that which we have in our lives without getting attached to them, is to develop a strong sense of personal freedom and love for ourselves which allows us to enjoy connections with others and for what we have, without fear of the future or potential loss.
We are therefore whole, we are loving and we are present. And above all, we are confident in our individual strength without needing anyone or anything to validate us.
I’ve been in relationships where one or both of us has feared the other leaving, to the point where either begins to control, to grab, to cling. This inevitably leads to jealousy, fear, resentment, and all the ugly elements of a relationship which is doomed.
The unfortunate irony of attachment in relationships is that the more you cling to someone, for fear of losing them, the more likely you are to push them away and encourage their departure.
There is an analogy about holding a handful of sand. If we close our fist around the sand, it forces out between our fingers, it slips between the crevices and it spills out. If we sit patiently with our hand open, the sand stays put. This explains the very nature of attachment and clinging: when we desperately want to hold on to something, we end up losing it.
“Most of our troubles are due to our passionate desire for and attachment to things that we misapprehend as enduring entities.” ~ Dalai Lama
Attachment and possession are like capturing a wild animal ; the beautiful creature lives its life free to move as it pleases, to come and go and run and play. It is admired and desired because of its beauty and freedom and also because it is different and mysterious.
People want to take the animal out of its habitat and covet it. So the wild animal is captured and trapped, never allowed back to the wild, for fear that given a choice, it will not return.
What happens to this animal in captivity? It begins to wither and its souls begins to fade; it remembers how it loved to roam free, how it could explore and experience life the way it wanted to and the spirit it once had in its heart begins to fade.
The very nature of the wild animal disappears, and its place is taken up by nothing but sadness. And who wants to keep prisoner a sad and lonely soul?
In the same way, when we love something or someone, we do so because we love the state they are in naturally and spontaneously. We love their wildness. If we try to preserve thiswildness by keeping them close, taming them and protecting them from their natural habitat, controlling them and enslaving them, we will watch the very element we loved in them disappear.
The key is to realize that what we have today, we might not have tomorrow, and we will be okay with that. We need to feel secure enough in our own lives so that we needn’t look for validation elsewhere. We need to know that we will survive the loss of love and friendships and possessions and still continue to exist.
“You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh
In this way, detachment is a beautiful expression of gratitude and appreciation, because we are acknowledging the impermanence and wildness of that which we love, which begins with the love we have for ourselves and transcends to the freedom of others.
It means leaving an open door to those who come into our lives and hearts — free to come and go as they please and being thankful for their presence along the way.
It means loving the spaces, the gaps and the distances between each other; it is within these reserves that a mutual appreciation awakens. When you take a step back, you can admire something in its entirety. And the space allows for a little mystery to grow.
It means honoring the freedom and wildness of everyone who comes into our lives; they may stay a season or they may stay a lifetime, but they certainly crossed your path for a reason.
People are lessons, sometimes we have to let the most important ones go… for that was part of the nature of their very teaching.
It is acknowledging everyone’s individuality and choice. What might work for one might not work for the other, and what worked once may cease to at a later stage. It is accepting that life moves in mysterious ways; sometimes in our favour, sometimes against.
The beauty of life is in the acceptance of its fragility, like a delicate crystal — a reminder of the impermanence of our existence.
To embrace this is to embrace the unpredictability of life, to give thanks for the connections with others who are present in our lives, knowing that one day they may not be, and to focus on building relationships which set ourselves and others free.
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